Six years ago, I fell in love. His name was Rudam. Summer of that year (more than a month since we were officially on), we were supposed to have summer classes but he didn’t come. Since the very first day of classes until it ended, I didn’t see him. Wondering what could have gone wrong, I asked every single friend he has to come accompany me to his house…but then, nobody did.
During those days when he was gone, one friend (I call him Longz), kept telling me to stop holding on to something that just isn’t there anymore. Maybe the pain I was feeling then was too obvious that he wanted to make me feel he’s just there for me. Then, there also was Orlando. Orlando, by the way, was one of my classmates who happen to have a very obvious crush on me. The two of them kept me company.
Enrollment for the next school year came. Before the day ended, there was Rudam, waving, smiling at me as if there was no more than a month that he was gone. Then, he sat beside me and asked me, “How are you, bhe?” I didn’t answer. What I needed then was an explanation. What I wanted to hear was him saying sorry for having been gone without even telling me a single word. But he didn’t. He just sat down in there…and when I still didn’t talk to him, he went to see his peers. That was the day when we silently broke ourselves up.
Orlando became my boyfriend a few months after that. I loved him with all my heart and soul. And I know that nobody, nobody else can ever love him the way I did. For ten months, I was honestly happy. But then, love alone can never be really enough to make a relationship last. To cut the story short, I and Orlando broke up a few months after our first anniversary. No, let me specify, we broke up on my mom’s birthday.
That day started the years of my hopeless craving for one true love to come into my life. That day marked the beginning of my journey as a devastated, helpless soul. I was broken, so broken into too many pieces that I wasn’t able to pick up all the pieces to make me whole again. Yet, I waited for either Rudam or Orlando to come back… but they never did.
Year 2007, I finally gave up waiting. Instead, I married the man who’s been waiting for me to love him back. Why? Because I know that if I choose him, I will never be in pain ever again. He’s loved me for too long that losing me would be the last thing he would ever want. But then, that was the biggest mistake I ever did. Marrying him was like destining myself to forever emptiness. I didn’t realize that until a month ago.
June 2009… I was surprised to find a message from Rudam. He found me through friendster. He said he still loves me, misses me, saying sorry for what he has done, even wishing he was my husband. Those words were the last words I would ever want to hear from him. Those words took me back to where I don’t want to come back. Those words brought back every single pain I felt. Those words made me realize how much of my life has been spent being broken… yet, I am still too broken.
He came back too late.
It was a love that was never meant to be… I just have to accept that.
During those days when he was gone, one friend (I call him Longz), kept telling me to stop holding on to something that just isn’t there anymore. Maybe the pain I was feeling then was too obvious that he wanted to make me feel he’s just there for me. Then, there also was Orlando. Orlando, by the way, was one of my classmates who happen to have a very obvious crush on me. The two of them kept me company.
Enrollment for the next school year came. Before the day ended, there was Rudam, waving, smiling at me as if there was no more than a month that he was gone. Then, he sat beside me and asked me, “How are you, bhe?” I didn’t answer. What I needed then was an explanation. What I wanted to hear was him saying sorry for having been gone without even telling me a single word. But he didn’t. He just sat down in there…and when I still didn’t talk to him, he went to see his peers. That was the day when we silently broke ourselves up.
Orlando became my boyfriend a few months after that. I loved him with all my heart and soul. And I know that nobody, nobody else can ever love him the way I did. For ten months, I was honestly happy. But then, love alone can never be really enough to make a relationship last. To cut the story short, I and Orlando broke up a few months after our first anniversary. No, let me specify, we broke up on my mom’s birthday.
That day started the years of my hopeless craving for one true love to come into my life. That day marked the beginning of my journey as a devastated, helpless soul. I was broken, so broken into too many pieces that I wasn’t able to pick up all the pieces to make me whole again. Yet, I waited for either Rudam or Orlando to come back… but they never did.
Year 2007, I finally gave up waiting. Instead, I married the man who’s been waiting for me to love him back. Why? Because I know that if I choose him, I will never be in pain ever again. He’s loved me for too long that losing me would be the last thing he would ever want. But then, that was the biggest mistake I ever did. Marrying him was like destining myself to forever emptiness. I didn’t realize that until a month ago.
June 2009… I was surprised to find a message from Rudam. He found me through friendster. He said he still loves me, misses me, saying sorry for what he has done, even wishing he was my husband. Those words were the last words I would ever want to hear from him. Those words took me back to where I don’t want to come back. Those words brought back every single pain I felt. Those words made me realize how much of my life has been spent being broken… yet, I am still too broken.
He came back too late.
It was a love that was never meant to be… I just have to accept that.
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